Jesse’s phone buzzed on the bar counter next to him, but he paid it no attention. It was a quiet Tuesday evening in Kabukicho, the kind where pub and nightlife establishment owners were doing anything in their power to draw in patrons to no avail. It was the only time Jesse even dared to come to the nightlife district because it was normally too overrun with foreign tourists and salarymen getting drunk.
He downed the rest of his drink, something he had picked randomly off a menu of heavy kanji he could maybe read in the right lighting. The good ole point and ‘this please’ served him well in older style pubs like this. He glanced down to read the notification on his phone before he swiped it away.
Hey, the past month has been great. I loved getting to know you, but when you sang the other night-
“I’m done,” he said, just loud enough to not warrant a hard glare from any of the staff. Shintaro, who was sitting next to him, jumped a little at Jesse’s words. Jesse whipped out his wallet, paying for his drink before slipping it back into his pocket. “Dating is trash. I’m just going to be single for the rest of my life.”
“Wait, what?” Shintaro said, looking between his drink and Jesse pulling on his coat. When Jesse started to walk out, he downed half of his glass before slapping some yen on the table. “Excuse me, mister romantic!” He shouted, and Jesse caught Shintaro struggling to get his jacket on as he pushed open the door and into the cool fall air. “I can hardly believe that you of all people are giving up on love because of a few failed dates.”
Jesse could hardly believe it himself but at twenty-nine years old he had too many relationships fail before they progressed to the next stage. In the beginning, everything was fine. Jesse knew he was easy to love. He was that perfect mix of golden retriever and lovable idiot that made him absolutely irresistible. Not to mention he was funny. Each of those traits worked in tandem to end up on a second or even a third date, not to mention a fair share of kisses and time between the sheets. It was always when things started to turn a bit more serious, the months starting to pass and deeper conversations blossoming, was when he messed things up.
All because he wanted to sing and see if they were soulmates.
It really wasn’t his fault. He knew plenty of couples and relationships who were fine never finding their soulmate, but Jesse hadn’t wanted that. At least not in the beginning of his dating life. His parents had been a soulmate connection, one where they found each other on a complete whim. His mom had been on vacation in Las Vegas with some friends when she had been wandering the Vegas Strip close to midnight. She had heard his father singing and had stopped in the middle of the road to offer up her voice, joining them both in eternal harmony. It had been lovely, the true story of romance, and Jesse had wanted that for himself as well.
After all, it was how they were taught growing up. He still remembered that health class his first year of middle school, how their P.E. teachers had sat all of the students down and told them how their bodies were going to start changing. The teachers tried to paint a beautiful picture of how their souls were yearning and searching for the other person to complete their harmony. If you found them, it was a beautiful and pure love that would last lifetimes.
Jesse hadn’t needed to be told all of that. He could recount the story of how his mother and father fell in love in the exact cadence and rhythm his mother told him. He always believed that he would find his soulmate one day. It had been his destiny…until it wasn’t.
“That’s easy for you to say,” Jesse grumbled, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “You never had to date anyone.”
Shintaro had known who his soulmate was since their first day of high school. He had been joking around, singing a random song off the radio to annoy an easily ruffled classmate of theirs, when a guy from the next class came bursting into the room, and Shintaro had stopped singing out of shock. The guy’s eyes had been hurriedly searching for the source of the singing before giving up and singing himself. His voice had been low and raspy but, when Shintaro joined him in harmony, it had been pure perfection. They had been impossible to separate ever since.
“Listen, you’re going to find your soulmate, Jesse,” Shintaro said. He had finally slipped into his zip up hoodie and was wearing it properly. “Hell, you could probably stand here and sing in the center of Kabukicho and find them!”
Jesse had done similar things before. He had sung for an assembly in high school, he had sung in the quad at college, and he had even sung in the middle of a packed department store. He did everything he could think of to try and find his soulmate. It was why he had given up trying to find his one single person and changed focus to finding someone to settle down with. That was easy enough. There were plenty of people in Tokyo looking for a partner.
But there was always a part of Jesse that started to wonder during the dating process. Is this my soulmate? Did I accidentally find them on a dating app? He had sat his partners down when things began to get serious, asking to test and see if his song would call out to them. It never did. Not even once did his partner feel a deep connection to his voice. Jesse had told himself he was fine with it. These things happened, and it didn’t mean that they didn’t love each other. But for one reason or another, the relationships slowly fizzled out before coming to a close. His partners were heartbroken by the breakups, Jesse was as well, but there wasn’t any point in staying together if the love was gone. Like clockwork, Jesse found himself alone once more, searching and craving for true love.
He would never admit it to Shintaro, not even to his own parents, but the lack of even a serious non-soulmate relationship made Jesse feel as if he was broken. Like he had been specifically formulated to never know what love felt. The more doors that closed in his face, the more unlovable he felt, and it was better to give up while he was ahead than search his entire life for some semblance of love.
“Jesse, come on, man,” Shintaro said. He placed a hand on Jesse’s shoulder to try and slow down his pace back to the station, but Jesse powered through it. “Don’t give up just yet. I mean, how long have you told me that you were going to find your soulmate and marry them?”
“Since I was five but that’s not the point,” Jesse said. He weaved through the packed streets of Shinjuku, heading towards the station. The only thing occupying his mind was going home and sleeping off what little alcohol he had consumed at the bar. “I’m finished trying. I’ll be a good uncle to your future kids. Hell, I’ll even buy them presents for their birthdays like a real relative, but I’m through singing.” He stopped briefly at the crosswalk, the light bright red in the darkened night sky before turning green. “My soulmate has to be halfway around the world or fine living their life alone.”
“At least stay out with me a bit longer,” Shintaro said, keeping pace with Jesse as he barreled through the final crosswalk to Shinjuku Station. “You never know! You could run into your soulmate tonight!”
Jesse turned his head so he could look at Shintaro, a readied retort about how he wasn’t going to do that, when he felt his body slam into another person. He stumbled a bit, managing to catch himself before he fell to the pavement, but it didn’t stop a warmth from spreading down his thigh, the stench of coffee filling the air.
To say his evening had gone from bad to worse would have been a gross understatement to the anger that coursed through Jesse’s body. The universe had deemed him public enemy number one and was doing everything in its power to make him miserable. He liked these jeans, not to mention how they had cost a pretty penny at the store. His rage continued to build as he watched the stain seep further down his leg.
The person Jesse had run into reacted faster than he had, dabbing the growing stain with napkins from his shoulder bag. “I am so sorry. I wasn’t watching where I was going,” the dark haired man said. His glasses were slipping down his nose, and he pushed them up with the edge of his hand that was still holding onto a partially crushed coffee cup. More coffee went dribbling down his arm, soaking onto his sleeve of his colorful and striped cardigan, and he cursed. “I get so caught up in reading I forget there are people around me.”
If this dude had a book, Jesse couldn’t see it in either of his hands. If it existed, it had to be crammed into the shoulder bag. He opened his mouth the speak, to tell this guy off, but he kept rambling.
“I’ll pay to get these cleaned up. It’s completely my fault.” He was crouched down in front of Jesse. He stuffed the dirty napkins into the front pocket of his bag and pulled out fresh ones from another side pocket. “My professors are always telling me that I need to get out and do something besides read. I should have taken their criticisms more to heart.”
“You’re a college kid? You don’t look that young,” Shintaro asked. He was watching the other man clean up Jesse’s pants as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.
The guy paused, registering there was another person hanging around, before answering. “I’m studying literature as a doctoral candidate, actually.” The man’s glasses were slipping again. This time around he pushed them up with his hand holding the napkins. “I wanted to do my degree as a distance learner in Shizuoka, but the University of Tokyo requires on campus attendance.”
Oh, gods, Jesse hadn’t run into just any person who loved to read. He had run into possibly the nerdiest man on the entire planet. The universe really wanted to pull him completely to rock bottom that evening. All of his luck was truly running out, and he would be stuck listening to the guy nervously ramble until he had finished attempting to clean up Jesse’s pants.
An idea came to Jesse in that moment, one far more diabolical than he normally would have concocted. Since Jesse was feeling so miserable, why not drag this guy out and around Shinjuku? He seemed like he was ready to bolt at any moment, already eyeing the train station behind them. Why not let him suffer a bit with Jesse? He’d drag the guy around, get him drunker than he probably had been in his entire life, and send him back on the last train home. They’d all toast to Jesse’s broken love life as a temporarily formed trio.
All he had to do was put on the charms and guilt this guy into agreeing.
“This sucks,” Jesse said, tugging on his jeans. “It’s gonna cost a fortune to clean these.”
The guy was already whipping out his wallet, flicking through a couple of bills. “How much do you think it will be? I can give you money for the dry cleaning now.”
Jesse blinked, exchanging a look with Shintaro who looked utterly baffled at whatever Jesse was doing. “Uh, I think it’s going to cost more than what you have in your wallet.”
The doctoral student looked shocked, lips parting in surprise. “More than fifty thousand yen?” And it was Jesse’s turn for his jaw to drop. Who in their right mind carried around that much money? “If it’s not enough, I can run to an ATM and get more out.”
“It’s not about the money,” Jesse said, grinding his teeth. He could feel himself get more and more irritated as time went on. What was wrong with this guy? Couldn’t he take a hint?
The other man raised an eyebrow at him. “Then why bring up how much it would cost to clean them?”
“Because I want you to come and get dinner with us!” Jesse snapped.
The other man stood there in silence for a moment, jaw dropped from Jesse’s outburst. There were a few people that had been weaving around them who had stopped to look at them before continuing on their way. Even Shintaro looked bewildered at Jesse’s reaction but Jesse didn’t care. He was getting this doctoral student drunk!
“No thank you,” the guy said, shifting his shoulder bag. “I don’t eat with strangers.”
“I’m Jesse. He’s Shintaro.” Jesse pointed to himself then Shintaro. “Congrats. We’re now friends.” Another idea came to Jesse’s brain, one he knew would work out better than his first one. “Shin, get his bag.”
The student let out a yelp as Shintaro ripped the shoulder bag away, throwing it over his shoulder, so the strap was laid across his chest. “That’s mine!”
“Don’t worry. Shin will keep it safe,” Jesse said before turning to his friend. “Usual place. Stat. Get us a table.” Shintaro gave him a mock salute before sprinting back across the intersection, and Jesse turned back to their new friend. “Now let’s go. I’m starving, and this place fills up quickly the later in the night it gets.”
“I told you. I’m not going with—PUT ME DOWN THIS INSTANT!”
The other man was struggling in Jesse’s grasp, but it was fine. Jesse was plenty strong to keep the guy slung over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Shintaro couldn’t get out of Jesse’s grasp once he really put his mind to a task, so there was no way some skinny bookish nerd could free himself. There would be no fancy wiggling off or running away that evening! Besides, by the time that they reached their next location, Jesse would convince him food was the best option!
But as they went weaving through the streets of Kabukicho once more, Jesse prattling on about the place they were meeting Shintaro at, there was a strange feeling blooming in his chest. He liked the way this guy felt in his arms, his stomach digging more and more into Jesse’s shoulder with every step, but Jesse pushed the thought from his head. He had no time to chase flittering feelings fluttering around his rib cage. His chance at love was over, and Jesse was going to keep it that way.
“You can let me sit on the outside,” Hokuto grumbled, an untouched highball glass sat before him in the izakaya. It had taken a bit of cajoling, but Shintaro had managed to pull the nerdy bookish man’s name from him. All it had taken was ten minutes of calling Hokuto random famous actor’s names before he caved and gave his own to make Shintaro stop. “I’m not going to run.”
Jesse had long ago finished his first highball and was working on a second, the condensation clinging to his palm as he took another sip. He leaned in, closing the space between him and Hokuto. He felt their thighs brush, the fabric of Hokuto’s cotton pants so soft against Jesse’s own jeans, before speaking. “Why is it that, when you promise not to leave, that I don’t believe you?”
It had taken roughly half an hour to get a table, the line already packing the small waiting area of the izakaya when Shintaro had run over to get them a spot. The entire time Jesse had to keep an arm around Hokuto’s shoulder to keep him from bolting for the elevator each time the doors opened. He felt every little twitch and jump under his embrace, tightening his grip when he thought Hokuto would try and grab his bag and run. When they were finally brought to their booth, Jesse had made Hokuto sit down first, taking the outside for himself, and leaving Shintaro with Hokuto’s shoulder bag for company on the other side.
He felt Hokuto freeze under his gaze, his lips parting in a small gasp, and Jesse felt himself blink. Did he accidentally lean in too close? He couldn’t tell. He hadn’t meant to be too intimidating. Just enough…whatever that amount was.
“Would you let me go if I told you I had a paper due in the morning?” Hokuto breathed out, his lips forming gentle oh’s as he spoke.
“If you did, you wouldn’t have been in Shinjuku on a weeknight,” Jesse said, holding Hokuto’s gaze for a moment. He saw a flicker of thought, the realization that Jesse’s reasoning was right, before he hid it expertly once more. “Unless you were here to film a commercial for miso soup? You’ve got the pretty lips for it.”
“Some people procrastinate writing their papers.” Hokuto appeared to suck his lips into his mouth before setting them free, the slightest glare flashing across his face. “Not like I’ve ever done that. Mine are always done at least a week in advance, so I can tweak them by the deadline.”
“Do you ever go out and do things besides writing papers and reading books in crowded streets?” Jesse asked. He could tell he was poking the bear with how Hokuto’s eye started to twitch in annoyance, but there was a part of him that was also genuinely curious. “What do nerdy college kids normally do for fun?” Jesse tapped his chin. “Bowling? Is bowling still cool?”
Hokuto’s response was fired off faster than Jesse expected. “Do you normally crave yakitori when you pick people off the street or was this just the cheapest place you could kidnap me to?”
Jesse couldn’t help but laugh. He had thought he was hanging out with a clueless college kid, but instead had gotten someone with sass! This would at least make things more interesting once Hokuto was drunk off his ass. The banter between the three of them would be legendary. Maybe Jesse should record their conversation once it happened? That way he would have it as an eternal memory of this night.
“You’re cute, but I’m not into that kind of thing,” Jesse said, waving Hokuto’s comment off. “I want love not one night stands.”
“And it’s not like Jesse or I share this place with just anyone,” Shintaro said, butting in. “I mean, how many of your past partners did you bring here? I think only one, right? Was it the accountant that only knew how to make rice in the rice cooker or the one who forgot his clothes in the washer every time he did laundry?”
“Shin!”
“What?” Shintaro grinned before turning to Hokuto who was frozen in pure confusion. Whether it was from Shintaro’s stories or something else, Jesse couldn’t tell. All he knew was that Hokuto made an oddly beautiful statue next to him. “I can tell you all about Jesse’s horrible love exploits. Did you know Jesse dated someone for a full year who always conveniently lost their wallet when it came time to pay for dinner? Jesse pretty much paid for everything in their relationship until they finally broke up.”
“I was in love!”
“I don’t even think they had sex the entire relationship from what Jesse told me.” Shintaro finished off his beer. He made eye contact with a passing waiter and motioned that he wanted another one. “Something about ‘bad juju”,” Shintaro made air quotes around the word, “or the ‘planets weren’t aligned properly.’ Why did you even stay with these people for as long as you did?”
“Those quirks weren’t immediately evident from the first few dates!” Jesse groaned, sliding down in the booth just a bit. He saw Hokuto scoot closer to the wall next to him to give Jesse a little more room. “Why are you choosing tonight of all nights to go off about my weird relationships? At least mention one of the normal ones I dated!”
“Because those aren’t as interesting, and these are way more fun. Besides, my soulmate gets tired of hearing the weird people you’ve dated.” The waiter Shintaro chose was swift and quickly exchanged his empty glass for a new one. Shintaro took a gulp of his fresh beer. “Did I mention the girl Jesse had a crush on that thought she could talk to fish?”
“Shintaro, no!”
“Shintaro, yes!” Shintaro’s eyes were shining across the table. “Come on, Jesse, me and you both know how much of a romantic you are that you can’t even see your own hands when you fall in love! The only thing you want more than to find your soulmate is to fill your stomach with delicious food.”
“It’s true,” Jesse said, leaning over so his shoulder was pressed against Hokuto’s. “I’d walk 800 kilometers for the best meal of my life. Especially,” Jesse let a lazy grin spread across his face, “if my soulmate was at the same place.”
“You are…completely bizarre,” Hokuto said, his voice rounded with soft disbelief. “So you’re not trying to pick me up?”
Jesse blinked. “I already picked you up and brought you here.” Jesse cocked his head to the side. “Do you want me to carry you back to the station, too? Cause I can if you want me to.”
“I’m fine, thank you,” Hokuto said, his voice becoming oddly soft, and Jesse found himself being drawn in by the shape of Hokuto’s lips as he spoke. “As long as I leave this restaurant alone then I’ll somehow survive this insanity the pair of you have thrown me into.” Hokuto’s lips looked entirely too soft, and there was a part of Jesse that was curious if they were as soft as they looked.
Jesse felt himself draw in breath, a slight gasp, before the sound of footsteps stopped at their table. He jumped up just as a waitress began placing plates full of yakitori on their table. He scrambled to make room for everything, another waiter on her tail with hands full of even more food, including three orders of deep fried mochi filled with camembert cheese. Shintaro had been the one to place the order this time, and it showed. It was as if he had chosen one of everything off the menu.
“Eat, eat, eat,” Shintaro said, filling his own little black plate with skewers. He had already devoured three sticks in the time it took Jesse to find space for everything in their tiny booth. “Jesse is paying this time, so eat as much as you want!”
Jesse felt as if he had given himself whiplash the way his neck snapped so quickly. “What?!”
“You know the rules,” Shintaro said, waving an empty stick in the air. “The person who had the latest break-up pays for the food!”
“That’s not fair, and you know it’s not!” Jesse shouted before wincing at the loudness. He quickly toned his volume back down to an acceptable level. He picked out a few skewers of his favorite, juicy thigh meat marinated in sauce, and his helping of fried cheesy mochi. “You found your soulmate, so you haven’t had a break up since middle school!”
“Not my fault I found mine early,” Shintaro said with a wolfish grin. He leaned across the table, fake whispering behind his hand to Hokuto, “That’s how you always get Jesse to pay, by the way. He’s had enough breakups to fill a book.”
“SHIN!”
“What?” Shintaro asked, leaning back in his seat. “Tell me I’m wrong! I dare you.”
He was most certainly right, but Jesse would never give Shintaro the satisfaction of hearing those words.
“It doesn’t matter what happened in the past,” Jesse huffed, biting of a piece of sweet, sweet delicious chicken. “I’m done. After tonight, I’m a new man. Love isn’t real.”
Jesse felt Hokuto shift beside him, reaching out for his untouched highball. “You’re right,” he said, his hands curling around the glass. The ice had long ago melted, the condensation a puddle where his drink had sat moments before. “It isn’t real. Love is only meant to hurt us,” Hokuto said before downing his entire glass in one swoop. When he was finished, Hokuto started coughing, and Jesse reached out to rub the doctoral student’s back. He wasn’t even sure why he did. It just felt like the right thing to do to someone suffering the burn of alcohol.
Shintaro sat absolutely puzzled across from Jesse, brows furrowed as he tried to piece things together in his mind. “Wait,” Shintaro said, the words coming out slowly. “How can you not believe in love? It’s so-”
“Excuse me!” Hokuto said, throwing his hand up into the air to get a staff’s attention. His glasses had slipped down his nose once more, and he briefly reached down to push them back into place. When he caught the eye of a waitress, he pointed down to the glass in his other hand. “Can I get another one of these?” The woman came over to collect his empty glass before speeding back to the kitchen for another drink. If he noticed that Shintaro’s gaze was burning holes through him, Hokuto gave no indication of it.
“Hey!” Shintaro said, waving his hand in front of Hokuto’s face. “Did you hear me? I asked you a-”
“So how did the two of you find this place?” Hokuto asked, one elbow on the table with his hand cradling his head. There was already a red tinge to Hokuto’s cheeks partially hidden by the edges of his thin frames. “Do the two of you regularly come to Shinjuku to go out to eat?”
Jesse was taken aback by the question. Not because it was odd or out of place but because of how Hokuto was avoiding Shintaro’s question. There was something there, something that Hokuto didn’t want to divulge quite just yet, that piqued Jesse’s curiosity. He filed the thought away for later. Maybe if there was time, and Hokuto got drunk enough, Jesse could convince him into revealing his little secret. Until then, he’d keep things light and airy between the three of them.
“Only every time I had a break up or Shintaro’s partner kicked him out of the house cause he was being too loud,” Jesse said, a huge grin spreading across his face. “Kabukicho kind of became our place to go restaurant hopping. We eventually found this place, and it became our go to spot at the end of the night. It’s good, right?”
Good was an absolute understatement. This restaurant was the very best in what they did, and Jesse had yet to find a place in Kabukicho that came even close to the level of flavor the shop achieved. The chicken was juicy, an explosion of flavor in your mouth that started an addiction from the very first bite. Not to mention the depth of flavor they achieved from their marinades! And to top it all off it was cheap? Heaven was on earth, and it came in the form of a yakitori restaurant.
“It’s good,” Hokuto said, picking at the plates in front of him until he found something he liked, “if you like yakitori.”
Jesse’s gaze shot to Hokuto, his heart dropping in his chest. “Wait. What do you mean by that?”
“What I said,” Hokuto said, between bites of piping hot chicken. “It’s good if you like yakitori.”
Jesse snapped up to full attention, his back rigid as he spoke. This was an absolute travesty. How dare someone not like the best yakitori restaurant on this side of Tokyo! “I will have you know that this yakitori spot is secondary in my heart, and that’s only because my favorite yakiniku one comes first!”
One of Hokuto’s eyebrows raised. “Then why didn’t you force me out to yakiniku then?” There was a slight curve to Hokuto’s lips that Jesse hadn’t noticed before, a little twinkle in his eyes. He was messing with Jesse now, and Jesse would not stand for it! He was the joker, the mood maker. He couldn’t allow some stranger to take that from him.
“Yakiniku? In this economy?” Jesse gasped, placing his hand over his heart. His mouth fought to keep the grin from spreading across his lips. “You’re lucky I can afford chicken on my salary! Going to yakiniku would have me eating stewed cabbage for weeks.”
It was then the sound of Hokuto’s laughter filled their booth, little giggles that attacked Jesse’s heart in a way that he hadn’t expected. It was a beautiful laugh, so light and airy as Hokuto tried his hardest to not be too loud. It only made Jesse want to try harder until Hokuto was in stitches beside him, unable to contain himself behind his perfectly crafted façade.
This…this wasn’t good. Far from it. Jesse had sworn off love hardly an hour ago, and he was already feeling himself getting swept up in budding affection. All because a pretty guy started joking with him over grilled meats! He had to calm down and slow his heart by any means necessary. This was a one night affliction, and it would pass in time. Jesse couldn’t allow himself to fall for someone who also didn’t even slightly believe in the benefit of love.
He forced himself to focus back on his food and not Hokuto’s little smile. Food was good. It was safe, and he couldn’t allow Shintaro to wolf down the entire table before Jesse got his fill. Maybe if Jesse ate enough the butterflies attacking his stomach would disperse.
The waitress finally returned with Hokuto’s refill, placing it in the tiny space his previous drink had occupied. Hokuto reached out for the glass, his elegant fingers wrapping around the handle to bring it to his lips. There was a hint of sauce clinging to the corner, just a bit that Jesse craved to reach out and swipe away with his thumb. Or would it be better to kiss it away?
Jesse suddenly stood up. “Bathroom,” he said when Shintaro gave him an inquisitive look. “Shintaro, don’t let Hokuto leave. He still has to help us eat all of this.” And then he was off.
The restaurant only had two tiny toilet rooms crammed in the corner by the entrance to the kitchens, one for women and another for men. It was a single toilet with a sink across from it but it was perfect for a breather. Jesse locked the door behind him, hands finding the edge of the sink, and he hung his head low as he breathed.
What in the world was happening to him? It was like Jesse’s entire world was crumbling around him, and he was scrambling for any bit of purchase he could get. His emotions had to be a wreck cause he was drinking. That’s what it had to be. Even if he was only a few drinks in, the alcohol had to be messing with his brain more than he expected. How else could he reason why he was thinking about kissing someone when he only knew their name?
It was the alcohol, Jesse kept telling himself as he washed and dried his hands. Hokuto was just another guy that would end in ruin if Jesse tried to pursue whatever affection was budding in his heart. No, not affection. It wasn’t affection. It wasn’t love. It wasn’t any of those things. It was a drunken crush cause Hokuto had pretty fingers and plush pouty lips and the most gorgeous eyes Jesse had ever seen in his entire life. That was it!
Besides…even if Jesse hadn’t given up on love, how could he truly and wholly fall in love with someone that didn’t feel the same way? How could the universe want him to be partners with someone that loudly exclaimed love wasn’t real then pushed the conversation off into a different topic entirely? It was far crueler than any break-up Jesse had ever experienced. He couldn’t allow himself to establish feelings for a relationship that was doomed before it ever began.
He let out a sigh, flicking the lock of the door before sliding it open. He could do this. He could be normal the rest of the evening.
Jesse went to step out of the bathroom and almost ran into Hokuto again. The grad student was standing in front of the door, hand raised as if to knock. His lips were in the shape of a gentle ‘oh,’ his eyes wide, and Jesse did the one thing he could think to do at that moment: pull Hokuto into the bathroom with him.
“What are you doing?” Jesse asked, flicking the lock behind Hokuto. It wouldn’t be good to have someone accidentally walk in on the two of them crammed in a tiny bathroom together. There was hardly enough standing room for the two of them, and Jesse felt every bump of Hokuto’s feet as he shifted to find a decent standing position. “Shouldn’t you be eating or something?”
“Well, yes,” Hokuto said, and Jesse saw every blink of those beautiful lashes, “but you kind of…” Hokuto’s gaze drifted off for a moment, and Jesse had to force himself to watch Hokuto’s eyes or he would have been staring at the way Hokuto was biting his lip. “Ran off? I was worried I said something that could have upset you.” Hokuto’s hand wrapped around the back of his own neck, massaging the muscles there. “I wanted to apologize if that was the case.”
Jesse wracked his brain. Had Hokuto said something offensive? He couldn’t think of anything in particular that had warranted an apology. The only thing that came close were the comments about yakitori, but everyone had their own personal food preferences. So what if Hokuto didn’t care for it? There were certainly things he enjoyed that Jesse didn’t.
“You’re fine,” Jesse said. He could feel the warmth of Hokuto’s breath on his neck. Jesse felt his leg bump into the toilet paper holder, and he shifted forward just a hair, drawing the two of them closer together. “I should have been a more gracious kidnapper and asked what you wanted to eat. Yakitori is pretty universal, and I eat it way too-”
“It’s not the yakitori,” Hokuto sputtered out, his cheeks impossibly red. “I actually really like it. I don’t know why I phrased my sentence like that. I’m just…” he trailed off again, and Jesse found himself waiting in anticipation for the next word to pass through Hokuto’s lips. “I don’t do this often is all…talk to people…outside of academics.” He blinked. “Or spill coffee on strangers.”
“That makes two of us,” Jesse said. “I, uh, don’t exactly pick up every stranger I see and force them to hang out with me and Shin.”
A little puff of laughter came from Hokuto. “The way you’re so insistent I stay and hang out with the two of you, you made it sound like you guys do this every week.” Hokuto’s hands were playing with the cuffs of his sweater, and the movement was distracting to Jesse’s tipsy brain. “But I had just thought that maybe…”
Jesse felt like he couldn’t breathe, the air getting trapped in his lungs. “Maybe?” The word came out as hardly a whisper.
Hokuto stood there for a moment, looking into Jesse’s eyes, before he shook his head. “Never mind. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
He went to turn around, to unlock the door, to do something, but Jesse reached out and grabbed Hokuto by the shoulder. Something was going on in that beautiful head of Hokuto’s, and Jesse wasn’t about to let him run away and escape without getting a hint of what was going on.
Those wide eyes were on Jesse once more, a question hidden behind them wondering what Jesse was doing. They were two grown men crammed into a tiny bathroom that was only made to hold one. They shouldn’t have been in there as long as they had been and yet they were.
Jesse blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “I always dreamed about what it would be like to meet my soulmate for the first time.” He felt Hokuto stiffen under his grip. “The kind of stuff like where we would meet and what it would be like to feel ourselves join in harmony together. I wanted the whole package. The perfect wedding. The perfect love story. All I would have to do is find my person.” Jesse could feel himself getting lighter and lighter, the words pouring from his mouth. “I know you said love only hurts, but what if you found your soulmate? Would that change your mind?”
Hokuto reached his hand up to where Jesse’s was on his shoulder, the touch so feather light that Jesse felt his heart start to race in his chest. Hokuto’s hands were soft, so soft, but instead of remaining there, it removed Jesse’s grip on him.
“I never want to find mine.” Hokuto’s voice was oddly hollow as he flicked the lock of the door open. “I’ll be happy if I can spend the rest of my life alone,” he said as he slipped back out into the bustling restaurant.
Jesse stood there for a moment, the crush that had been building during their time in the restaurant deflating in his heart. He took a breath in, released it, and allowed himself another before he followed Hokuto back to their table. He was used to it at this point, ideals and relationship breaking beliefs not matching like they were supposed to.
Jesse was perpetually stuck with some form of a broken heart.
When the three of them were stuffed with enough meat to feed a family of four for a month, Jesse signaled for the check. He had pulled out his card to pay for everything when Hokuto all but leapt across the table to snatch the bill from the waitress’s hand.
“I don’t mind,” Hokuto said once the stunned waitress had run off. He had managed to convince Shintaro to, at the very least, give him his wallet from his bag back. “Besides the whole getting kidnapped and ruined clothes, this was fun. I should really get out of my apartment more often.”
Jesse didn’t have it in him to force Hokuto into a second, third, or even fourth bar. It had been wrong to even drag this stranger out, and he was kicking himself for wanting to make Hokuto as miserable as him. In the end the only person hurting was Jesse, and he should have kept it that way from the very beginning. His pain and heartbreak were his own to manage.
Despite his freedom, Hokuto hadn’t scurried off to the train station the first chance he had. He kept a careful couple of feet in front of Jesse and Shintaro, glancing back every so often as if to make sure the two of them were still there and hadn’t melted into the crowd. It confused the hell out of Jesse, for why would Hokuto not want to get away from them the second he could? He had no idea what was going on inside of that beautiful head of his.
He felt Shintaro lean in before he spoke, the familiar doofy energy hovering around Jesse’s ear. “I can see what’s happening.”
“What?” Jesse huffed.
“And you don’t have a clue,” Shintaro said in a singsong voice that grated Jesse’s ears. Jesse tried to ignore him, he really did, but Shintaro just kept prattling on. “I can’t believe that you haven’t noticed yet! It feels so obvious just looking at the pair of you.”
“Shin!” Jesse groaned, stuffing his hands into his jacket. “Use your real words! What are you getting at?”
Shintaro just nudged Jesse and used his head to motion towards Hokuto. “Jesse, that’s your soulmate.”
Jesse’s laugh came out as a snort from his nose. The thought was absolutely preposterous. Him and Hokuto had absolutely nothing in common from the little he knew about the doctoral student nor did their ideals about love match in any way. The pair of them were like oil and water, unable to mix and combine into a single entity.
“I know you love ‘love’ and all, but even being with your soulmate isn’t idealistic as you imagine,” Shintaro said as they came to the stoplight out of Kabukicho. The colorful signs and lights were slowly fading away behind them. “I love Juri. He’s my other half, the only person I want to spend my life with, but even our love story isn’t completely perfect.”
Now that had to be a joke. Jesse had grown up seeing how his parents were. The pair of them were the pinnacle of perfection. They made up for each other’s faults and weak points to come together to be one impossibly strong unit that nothing could break apart. That’s what a soulmate was supposed to be like. Even if Shintaro’s partner got a little annoyed by his antics and made Shintaro leave to have some breathing room, their love had to be exactly like Jesse’s parents. That’s how it always was.
“You know Juri and I have fights, right?” Shintaro said as the light in front of them turned green. He went to keep walking but stopped when he saw Jesse wasn’t crossing with him. Hokuto as well turned around when he got halfway across and noticed the pair were still glued to the sidewalk.
“That can’t be true,” Jesse said. And it couldn’t. It went against everything Jesse believed in.
“Oh yeah we have arguments all the time,” Shintaro shrugged. “Like Juri steals my food cause he’s always hungry, and I get so upset cause I was looking forward to it. And he gets mad when I forget to charge the Switch after a night of gaming handheld. Those are little things, but we have arguments over big stuff, too. It’s just how relationships are, even soulmate ones.”
“But…my parents…”
“I’m not saying your vision of your parents is wrong, but there’s always a chance the two of them fought as well,” Shintaro said. The lights of the crosswalk started flickering until they settled back to red. Hokuto remained close by as a few people gathered around them, waiting for the lights to change again. “I love my soulmate. Juri is incredible, but it’s like any other relationship. You have to work and make concessions for the sake of your partner.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Jesse said, rolling his eyes. That wasn’t how things worked in soulmates. Jesse would know.
“Jesse, I’ve seen enough of your failed relationships to know how you are. Anything less than your idealistic image of love doesn’t cut it. You swear that you’re fine with normal, but you’re not. You only want ‘the one’,” Shintaro said, putting quotes around the word. “Even in a soulmate relationship, you choose to fight for each other every single day because that’s what love it. It's choosing to be committed to each other in the good times and the bad, but you don’t do that. You give up because you don’t see the point if your partner isn’t your soulmate, but that’s not what I want to get into tonight.” Shintaro took hold of Jesse’s shoulder, turning him to face Hokuto. “That guy right there? That’s your other half.”
Hokuto was only standing there, and the only thing Jesse felt was how absolutely beautiful he was. He wasn’t doing anything particularly amazing, just flicking his eyes between the crosswalk sign and Jesse and Shintaro conversing. Hokuto’s glasses were slipping down the bridge of his nose once more, and Jesse longed to run over and push them back up his nose.
“I’ve seen you with your other partners,” Shintaro said, his voice warm in Jesse’s ear. “You’ve liked those people, sure, but I’ve never seen you act the way you do around Hokuto. It’s like you’re attuned to him and him to you. And the way you look at each other?” Shintaro did a little chef’s kiss. “I need an invite to the wedding. Now.”
There was no way that Jesse and Hokuto were “attuned” to each other, whatever that meant. Jesse was just being nice and helpful, trying to make up for the guilt that was slowly clawing at his stomach the more their meal together had progressed. Never mind that the need to kiss Hokuto had grown in his belly each time he had looked over and seen Hokuto laughing at his jokes. Jesse had kept telling himself it was a crush, that nothing could ever come of this, and he fought every feeling of love that kept bubbling up.
“Fine,” Shintaro huffed. “I can see you don’t believe me, and that’s fine.” He stomped the small distance to where Hokuto was. “I’ll just have to prove it to you that you’re soulmates.”
Shintaro reached out, grabbing the strap of Hokuto’s shoulder bag, and started sprinting down the street.
“What the hell, Shin!” Jesse shouted. He glanced over at Hokuto. “I am so sorry. I’ll get that back for you.” And he sprinted after Shintaro.
Shintaro had never been a particularly fast runner, but neither had Jesse. Both had been forced into sports growing up as part of their club activities but had dropped them upon graduating from high school. Jesse had preferred weight lifting while Shintaro had turned to gaming with his partner as his form of entertainment. Cardio was evil incarnate.
Jesse followed Shintaro as he ran down the streets of Shinjuku, weaving and dodging tourists and Japanese alike. A few times he glanced back at Jesse and put more power into his legs, refusing to let Jesse close the distance between the two of them. Jesse cursed every god that he knew for whatever was going through Shintaro’s head but thanked them as well. Because Shintaro was the one barreling through the crowds, everyone stepped out of the way as Jesse flew by.
Whatever Shintaro was looking for, he had somehow found it, and his pace slowed until he stopped outside of a random business on the street. It was only then that Jesse fully closed the distance between the two of them, snatching Hokuto’s bag back.
“Asshole,” Jesse said between gasping breaths, clinging onto Hokuto’s bag strap like it was the one thing that mattered in the world. He kicked Shintaro’s shoe for good measure. “You can’t steal people’s things. That’s rude.”
“Sure, I can! Especially if it’s in the name of proving true love,” Shintaro said, also breathing hard. A huge grin came across his face, and he motioned behind Jesse. There, behind the both of them and also out of breath, was Hokuto. “Sorry, my dude, but I had to get the two of you here.”
Jesse ignored him. Shintaro was going off an alcohol fueled thought, and it wouldn’t do any good to encourage it. “You didn’t have to follow us,” Jesse said. He handed Hokuto’s bag back to him. “I would have brought your stuff back or called you to find out where you went.”
“I didn’t give you my number,” Hokuto said, taking his things back, and he slid the strap over his shoulder once more. “It was easier just to follow you, especially with how crowded it is.”
“The two of you are so precious and sweet that I nearly can’t stand it.” Shintaro slung an arm around both of their shoulders, pulling Jesse and Hokuto closer to him. “Now,” Shintaro said, pointing at the shop they were outside of, “let me prove my theory to the both of you.”
It was a Karaoke Kan. Of course. Jesse should have seen this coming before Shintaro’s plan was laid before him. It was the basis of their entire society. The second Jesse or Hokuto began to sing, the other would immediately know if there was a connection between the two of them. It would either prove Shintaro’s ridiculousness correct or Jesse would be able to shout a loud, “I told you so,” at his friend for attempting to push something so utterly ridiculous.
“Fine,” Jesse said, shoving Shintaro off of him. “A half hour. That’s it. I’ll sing one song, and we’ll put this stupid idea of yours to bed for good. Then we’ll let Hokuto go back to his-”
He looked over at Hokuto. Beautiful, stunning Hokuto, and every word Jesse wanted to say stopped in his throat. Hokuto looked absolutely petrified, scared beyond what Jesse ever thought was possible. He was shaking, both hands clutching onto the strap of his bag, and his knuckles turned pure white. Jesse barely heard the word, “No,” pass through Hokuto’s lips before he was sprinting around the corner and back into the heart of Kabukicho.
Jesse was frozen where he stood. He didn’t know what to do. Part of him wanted to stay there and chew Shintaro out for hurting Hokuto, whether he intended to or not. The other part was screaming loudly at himself to run after Hokuto to check on him. The tiniest part of Jesse couldn’t forgive himself if he didn’t make sure Hokuto made it on the train home alright…
In the end, Shintaro made the decision for him. “Go,” Shintaro said, pushing Jesse in the direction of where Hokuto had run off. “Call me when the two of you are good.”
“This doesn’t mean anything,” Jesse growled before sprinting around the corner after Hokuto. “I’m going to find him because I’m a good person. Not because you think he’s my soulmate.”
Jesse’s feet carried him through the streets of Kabukicho, winding his way up and down the tiny izakaya packed streets and cursing his luck. There had to be hundreds of restaurants packed on top of each other that Hokuto could have ducked into, and it was impossible to try and check them all. It was like trying to find a needle at a dump site: only the luckiest person in the world could succeed.
The more tiny bars Jesse passed, the more hopeless he felt, and the more Shintaro’s words started worming their way into his mind. What if Shintaro was right? What if Jesse and Hokuto were soulmates? What if Jesse had missed his one opportunity to find the person he was destined to be with? All because he didn’t want to push Hokuto past the boundary that he had drawn. He probably should have taken the step to know for sure.
He found himself in front of the giant TOHO Cinema in Kabukicho, the giant attached shopping center a mammoth compared to the smaller shops and businesses surrounding it. Jesse let out a sigh, covering his face with his hands to keep himself from screaming. Of course he wouldn’t have pushed Hokuto past any of his comfort levels. Jesse might have spent twenty-nine years being desperate for love, but he wasn’t a monster. He didn’t want to purposely destroy anyone because of his own selfish desires.
But…but hadn’t he done that countless times? Hadn’t he let so many relationships fizzle out because they weren’t a perfect match? No matter how often he thought he was fine with never finding his soulmate, his soul had always been searching for the one. It wasn’t satisfied with any normal ole tune. It craved perfect harmony, and Jesse had broken far too many hearts in its name.
Jesse shook the thought from his head, following the road around the movie theater and deeper into Kabukicho. There had to be another way to get in contact with Hokuto if he couldn’t find him tonight. What school was he attending? Some university in Tokyo? He was studying books or literature or something. How many schools offered that as a doctoral program? Probably not that many. Perhaps he could call around to various universities to see if they had a student named Hokuto enrolled…Hopefully there weren’t multiple boys named Hokuto studying books. Jesse hadn’t learned Hokuto’s last name and didn’t have a clue what it could be to narrow his search.
He rounded the corner, mind making a list of the nearby schools he needed to call in the morning, when Jesse collided into another person. Jesse stumbled over his own feet, both him and the person he ran into tumbling to the ground. He barely had time to catch himself on the pavement before he crushed them under his full weight.
“Holy shit, I am so sorry,” Jesse said, scrambling to get back to his feet. The person’s shoulder bag had landed a foot away in the collision, and Jesse rushed to pick it up, checking it for any damage. “I was so lost in thought and wasn’t looking where I was going. Are you-”
“Jesse?”
Jesse’s heart did a flip in his chest, and it was the one time he properly got a look at the bag in his hands. The coffee stained napkins crammed in one of the pockets, the main compartment far heavier and crammed full of various books than had realized. It was only then Jesse looked down at the person he had run into, dropping the bag and crouching down upon seeing the state Hokuto was in.
“Hey, are you alright?” Jesse asked, taking Hokuto’s face into his hands. He swiped away the lingering streaks of tears that still clung to Hokuto’s fluffy cheeks. “Did anything happen since you left? If you point out who hurt you, I’ll fight them…or something. I’m strong. I can probably take them in a fight.”
Hokuto let out a weak laugh and gave a slight shake of his head. “I’m fine. I swear. I just…” he trailed off, and Jesse gave him as much time to formulate his words as he needed. “Can we talk?”
There were a few benches across the street where they could sit and properly talk. Jesse bought Hokuto a bottle of tea from a vending machine before he sat down next to Hokuto, depositing his heavy shoulder bag between them on the ground. Jesse ached to reach out, to take Hokuto’s hand in his and comfort him. But that…that wasn’t what strangers did, so Jesse kept his hands to himself, letting the ache in his heart remain with every beat of it.
When Hokuto finally began to speak, his voice was soft. “My mother tricked my father into thinking they were a soulmate connection.” There was a pause, a slight one, as if he had expected Jesse to butt in and give his opinion. When Jesse remained silent, Hokuto continued. “It was something she told me later when I was older, but she craved stability and my father was the kind of man who could give it to her.” Hokuto looked up, holding Jesse’s gaze for a moment before he looked away. “I don’t know how she did it, I never asked, but my father gave her a ring. She gave him two healthy sons in return. We were a happy family of four. Who could ask for more?
“But,” Hokuto’s grip on the little tea bottle tightened, “our fairytale story came crashing down around us. My father learned of my mother’s treachery and was heartbroken. He wanted nothing to do with her, and our house was torn apart.” His eyes were glazed over as Jesse watched Hokuto speak, so hollow. “After they split, my brother and I would spend the weekends with him at first, but eventually our father stopped showing up to pick us up. I learned later that, when he saw us, all he thought of was my mother. It hurt too much, so he distanced himself from us. I was six the last time I saw him in person, and my mother hasn’t been the same since. I think part of her learned to love him and was broken by their divorce.” Hokuto sighed. “She hasn’t smiled since I was a kid.”
Jesse wanted to reach over, to pull Hokuto into a hug. His life had been so unlike Jesse’s, the complete opposite. Jesse had grown up in a home overflowing with parental affection, the idealistic form of what a homelife should have been like. He would have given anything to ensure Hokuto had experienced a similar upbringing.
“My father isn’t a horrible person,” Hokuto said, cracking open his tea. “He still cares about me and my brother in his own way I suppose…if throwing money at the two of us can count as love.” Hokuto held the bottle up to his lips, drinking deeply. When he was done, he wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his sweater. “I guess the bright side is that his money pays for my education? It’s something.”
“I am so sorry,” Jesse said, and he meant it. Going against his better judgement, he reached out and took one of Hokuto’s hands in his, rubbing the top of it with his thumb. “You should have never gone through any of that as a child.”
“It’s why I swore off all romance when I got older,” Hokuto said. Jesse felt Hokuto’s hand twitch under his grasp, as if craving to pull away from the small embrace, and he paused his soothing gestures. When Hokuto didn’t remove his hand from Jesse’s touch, he kept stroking the back of Hokuto’s hand softly. “I couldn’t let myself fall in love and put myself through that kind of pain again. Not like it was hard.” Hokuto laughed. “Every time someone tried to flirt, it was easy to turn them down. I threw myself into my studies, so I wouldn’t have time for love or to search for my soulmate. But then…then I ran into you tonight.”
Jesse’s heart began to flutter though he wasn’t sure why. It felt like the precipice, the beginning of something new about to dawn. He didn’t want to give himself hope, so he continued to cling onto every one of Hokuto’s words.
“No matter how I tried,” Hokuto said, his voice getting stronger with every word, “you were an affliction I couldn’t get rid of.” Jesse wasn’t sure how he felt about being called that, but he didn’t jump in to argue the usage of the word. “It was like I could sense you on a molecular level. I could feel every smile in my veins. I could feel your interest in me growing with every passing second in that izakaya. I…I could have sworn I felt like you wanted to kiss me, and that terrified me because I wanted to kiss you as well. I have no idea why. We just met, but there was something about you I couldn’t ignore or easily decline.”
“I’ve been told I’m hard to ignore,” Jesse said, letting out his own laugh. “Like a car crash or a really loud siren.”
“But this is different!” The hand that was in Jesse’s suddenly was holding his back, squeezing him as if it was the one thing keeping Hokuto grounded. “Those other people that expressed interest in me? No matter how beautiful or funny or charming they were, I could ignore them. They all felt so bland, but you? Jesse, you feel like fireworks going off in my heart, and that scares me because what if this leads to more and I get hurt like my family?”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” Jesse whispered. He didn’t. He knew deep within his soul that he only wanted to see Hokuto smile. Anyone that harmed so much as a hair on his head would have to speak to Jesse. “Hokuto, if we are soulmates, I would never purposely make you cry.”
Hokuto’s voice was so quiet when he spoke again. “And if we aren’t?”
That was the ultimate question. What if they weren’t? What if the feelings both of them were experiencing were a figment of their imagination? It was certainly possible. Jesse had strange thoughts after the consumption of alcohol, but deep down he knew this was different. This wasn’t another month long fling that fizzled out once the honeymoon phase of a new relationship wore off.
It was something new. Something exciting. Something Jesse wanted to dig deeper into to understand what made him feel as if he was a rocket shooting off into outer space. He was so close to understanding what was going on in his body, discovering why he was drawn to Hokuto and how the universe kept making them run into each other that evening. It was exciting. Nerve wracking. An absolute insanity that Hokuto was experiencing the same feelings Jesse was, and yet perfect at the same time. The two of them only needed to discover the answer together.
“If we aren’t, we take things a day at a time.” Jesse took the tea bottle from Hokuto’s other hand, depositing it on the ground next to Hokuto’s bag so he could take both of Hokuto’s hands in his. “We figure out why both of us are feeling the same emotions. We see where this goes, and if it’s something we want to pursue.” Hokuto’s hands felt so perfect in his, like they were meant to be connected in such a simple embrace. “And if we are soulmates, we do the same thing. We take things day by day and learn everything there is about each other.” Hokuto was shaking once more, and there was nothing Jesse wanted to do more than to fully pull him into his embrace until Hokuto felt safe in his arms. “No matter the path we choose, I don’t want to hurt you. I promise.”
Something within Jesse was whispering at him to sing, to open his mouth and let the music fall from his lips. He had done it countless times. Singing to him was as easy as breathing. In another lifetime, Jesse would have liked to be born as an idol and perform on stage for thousands of adoring fans. He loved hearing his voice carry into the air, to be lost among the hustle and bustle of the city or fading into the hallway of a karaoke business. It was no wonder how he had always craved finding his soulmate when he loved singing too much.
But sitting on that bench next to Hokuto, their hands in each other’s and their knees brushing, there was a part of Jesse that hesitated. There were still doubts that clung to his thoughts no matter how every cell of his body was telling him how right this felt. The two of them were made for each other.
Jesse shook the doubt from his mind. He could do this. The way Hokuto was looking at him, his expression so full of fear but with hope clinging to the corners of his eyes, gave him strength, but the little nod of consent was all Jesse needed. Hokuto was fine with confirming they were soulmates. This was it. Jesse closed his eyes and opened his mouth to let the first few notes free.
The voice that came out wasn’t his own, a tenor that was cradled by the air. It was lower, rounder. It was the kind of voice that didn’t float in the breeze nor soar to impossible heights. It stayed grounded in the earth, igniting into low burning flames to warm the heart with every note. It was beautiful. It was perfect. It set Jesse’s body alight, and he hurried to join his voice to Hokuto’s sound.
He had heard the story of his parent’s romance a thousand times, how the two of them instantly knew they were made for each other. He had heard Shintaro’s own story of how he knew his soulmate was his, and Jesse had even read countless stories from online forums about people finding their own soulmates. The instant connection, the all-knowing confidence they had found their person, was something he had been searching for all his life.
The feeling of harmony was unlike any other.
Jesse could feel their voices joining together, their souls projecting itself through their music. He could feel Hokuto reaching for him through his voice, grasping out for Jesse’s own, until Jesse’s song curled around Hokuto’s, cradling it close. In that moment, in that musical embrace, Jesse felt whole. He felt complete. It was as if he hadn’t realized how cold and empty his life had been until that very moment. How every relationship he had chased and experienced was a shallow representation of what it was like to find his other half. This was a connection unlike any other, and it was theirs.
He could feel every ounce of Hokuto. He could feel his love, his passion. He could feel Hokuto’s drive as well as the loneliness he had tried to hide. How Hokuto had tried to convince himself that he didn’t need to feel complete to live a fulfilling life. He felt Hokuto’s rough edges, the parts of his soul that had been frayed by his past experiences. He saw the depth of hurt and heartbreak that had shaped Hokuto into the man he was, and a part of Jesse ached as he felt the pain Hokuto had experienced. He couldn’t erase the past nor crush it until it was glittering dust of memories forgotten, but Jesse wanted to be there to support Hokuto into the future. And he knew, deep within his soul, that Hokuto would do the same in return.
This was what harmony was like. The balance and symmetry of finding your love. The full acceptance of flaws and faults. The feeling of completeness and wholeness, and Jesse couldn’t stop the tears from coming to his eyes nor the all encompassing desire to kiss Hokuto’s lips. He swooped in, their song coming to a halt so he could feel those plush lips on his.
They were soft, far softer than Jesse could have ever imagined, and Jesse wanted to get lost in the sensation for hours. Hokuto fully consumed his senses, Jesse’s fingers curling around the back of Hokuto’s head and feeling his soft hair under his fingertips. The smell of Hokuto’s shampoo filling his nose, and the little sounds Hokuto made. Jesse wanted to learn them all, what made Hokuto tick as well as what made him completely melt in Jesse’s embrace.
Jesse didn’t know a kiss could make him feel this way, like his heart was ready to burst from an emotion as simple as happiness. He wanted to yell, to shout, to let the whole world know what it felt like to kiss his soulmate. Jesse felt so electric that would have run through the entirety of Kabukicho to run off the energy coursing through him, but that meant he would have had to break their kiss. He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t at all. A single moment not kissing Hokuto was a moment wasted.
He felt it down to his core, the feeling consuming him the more he lost himself in every bit of Hokuto. Jesse never wanted anyone else in his life. His entire future was dedicated to Hokuto. His entire future was Hokuto. Morimoto fucking Shintaro had been right, and Jesse had been a fool for not seeing it.
The fear was still in Hokuto’s eyes when they broke, less so but still prevalent. Hokuto looked halfway between wanting to kiss Jesse again and grab up his bag and disappear into the night, to avoid any possible heartbreak and pain their love could destroy him with. Jesse could see how the decision was at war within Hokuto, his mind unable to make a choice, and Jesse knew what he had to do.
“Can we take this slow?” he asked, thumb rubbing little circles into Hokuto’s fluffy cheeks. “I…before we rush into anything serious, I want to get to know you. The real you. What you like. What you don’t like.” Jesse paused for a second, a thought flashing through his mind. “Your last name.” He looked into Hokuto’s eyes, those beautiful wide eyes that Jesse wanted to get lost in. “Is that okay?”
The silence between them felt deafening. Jesse knew what he felt in his heart, and he knew his character. He could fill the air with words he knew to be true, but they could be empty promises to Hokuto’s own ears. He had guarded himself and his heart for so long that trusting Jesse would be a leap of faith, a leap Jesse hoped Hokuto would take.
“Matsumura.”
Jesse perked up at the word. Was that…?
“My name,” Hokuto said. “My full name. Matsumura Hokuto.”
Jesse repeated it, the characters feeling so right on his tongue. “Are you free this Friday? I’d love to take you out on a date if you have the time.”
“I…I don’t know,” Hokuto said, his words coming out so hesitant to Jesse’s ears. He felt his heart drop. “I would have to check my schedule, but I should be free.” He took out his phone, a sleek new iPhone in a plain black case. “Can I have your Line? And I’ll let you know in the morning?”
Jesse had never added another person to his contacts so fast in his life.
The walk back to Shinjuku Station felt too short for Jesse’s liking. Jesse didn’t want to part, to say goodbye, but he knew that they needed to. Hokuto needed to get back to his apartment because of an early morning class the next day, and he needed rest to survive his longest day of school. There would always be tomorrow and the day after and the day after that for the two of them to be together, and Jesse would make himself be okay with waiting as long as it took. Even with lingering hesitancy, Jesse knew he would fight for this love budding in his chest. He would let Hokuto set the pace, and Jesse would be there to match him step for step. Hokuto was worth it.
“Jesse…I-” Hokuto’s voice was caught in his throat for a moment, the two pausing outside of the JR line gates. His bag was hanging off of his shoulder, and Hokuto reached up to adjust it. Jesse waited until Hokuto found the words he wanted to say. “I can’t wait to see you again.”
“Me, too.” As much as Jesse wanted to hug Hokuto goodbye, he let the space between them exist. There was always more time for physical affection to build between them. “Let me know when you make it home safe?”
Hokuto gave him a nod, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. He tapped his train pass at the gates, slipping inside and into the crowd. Jesse watched him until Hokuto fully disappeared. It was only then he turned and headed for the subway.
Jesse’s heart felt light with every step he took, his fingers vibrating as he went to check if he would make the next train or not on his phone. His phone buzzed as he tapped into the subway, a Line notification flashing at the top of his phone followed by another and another and another. Jesse groaned, not properly reading the message’s sender until he clicked on one of the banners. He grinned when he saw it was Hokuto, spamming him with worry if the kiss was good enough for Jesse. It was Hokuto’s first after all! And Jesse was already so good at kissing.
It was when Hokuto was promising he would get better with more practice, that Jesse typed out his response:
I only want to kiss you for the rest of my life.
Jesse settled onto his train home, getting one of the coveted end seats by the doors as Hokuto kept firing message after message to Jesse, and Jesse responded to each one. He had to bite the laughter behind his lips as the conversation flowed between them, and any lingering worries evaporated from Jesse’s mind. Things would be okay. He had found his soulmate.